woohoo guess we finished
Here's the whole thing (some of the paragraphs might not have completed the thoughts or whatever, but I've recently been doing partial recaps from the last time I recapped... if that makes sense):
Once upon a time, on a deserted island, a Jesus Stick was found all alone on top of an old discarded crate. The stick was covered with green smelly Slim Jims, which were half-eaten and dried out. And who wouldn't want to eat that? Charlie asked Hurley for some Cheesy Dharma Fish Crackers and Dharma Peanut Butter, but he wouldn't share, even though he had about a gallon of gin-soaked Dharma soup on his face. Hurley's leaf peanut butter was dripping on his new Insane Asylum slippers and nifty robe, so he gathered a bunch of coconut milk-soaked hairballs from the back of a polar bear's backpack and started throwing them at the smoke munster, who didn't even notice. Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, the Others were having a huge clambake and they were roasting marshmallows and singing camp songs, some wearing beards and some eating Dharma Ranch dressing. Suddenly, it started raining, and the jungle started moving towards someone's Ferrari, making it impossible for Thomas Magnum to comprehend what you guys are really talking about. All of a sudden, out of the woods came a hooded dwarf yelling, "The plane, the plane!" So Sayid ran towards the hooded dwarf and made bamboo shoots to build a robot which would help him make a transceiver, and he would try to watch the Superbowl with his best friend's dog in the hatchelor pad.
While watching the game and having a Bud, Sayid called an Island meeting to discuss the toilet paper situation - Generic or Cotonelle brand? "Definitely Cotonelle," said Charlie. "I disagree," Jin replied. They began to fight, and Jin slapped Charlie so hard it left Charlie's jaw on the plate of frozen beards, and skidmarks all over the island mud volcano. Charlie retaliated by punching a baby in the arm while shouting, "Hey, You All Everybody, watch me play the guitar!" The sound was deafening and ears started bleeding. The island started to vibrate and shake uncontrollably. Tree frogs sang along, but their croaking caused the island to cry and turn into a massive bouncy castle called Bob. The castle would shelter all of the Losties until the Dharma Initiative and Widmore Construction knocked the heck out of Locke and his hatch. While staying in the deGroot Memorial Hospital and eating bon-bons with whipped cream and delicious toffee-covered bean burritos and drinking hallucinogenic Charlie Water with a lemon, Locke had many visions in which Henry Gale stalked him and taunted him, screaming, "Hey, you Button Pusher! How was that trip through the Hatch Blast Doors? Your dirty bloody leg couldn't even beat up Hurley's little tree frog, you wimpy bald wussie!" Locke replied, "Stop smokin' the dried banana leaves, they make your brain feel like it was in a salad shooter and that's never a bad thing, since sexy brains make your day!"
While a polar bear was scratching his friend's big white and fluffy popsicle, his friend exclaimed, "w000000t that feels good!" Three bags of ponies were dropped by DHARMA so that the islanders could eat yummy food while riding the ponies, always make sure to wait an hour before they swim in the bowl of jello cubes mixed with Charlie Water from the Blessed Mountains, and never, ever use kneepads that are dirty with Dharma Peanut Butter to try to get a kitty out of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, especially if you're high and can't see straight and you're in the Dharma Fan Club meeting for an intervention about making blast doors close on old men's legs. The survivors didn't manage to eat all the cheesy fish guts that Igmar threw up on the kitchen table, however, Wesh had a recipe that could possibly make cheesy fish guts taste like tasty cream soda topped with chocolate sprinkles.
Every good boy deserves fudge, but not all good Dharma employees deserve to be subjected to Charlie's horrible guitar playing or Handsome Jack's singing, because Handsome Jack's singing is, most definitely, the worst thing anybody has had the pleasure to have ripped their ears in order to promote him in concert at the Royal Albert Hall, the magical lull of utter and complete silence. HJ should take singing and tap-dancing lessons so he can do the hokie-pokie with style. Then they did the bassa nova and meringue with emphasis on their snappy head movements and large feet. HJ joined, but stumbled on his oversized key that he locked the Pandora's Box with, though he forgot that SuperKate had a love "square" with HJ. "Huh?" said Uncle Igmar, for he was confused about the strange process between Kate, Sawyer, Ana Lucia, and Vincent the dog. Scratching his head, Igmar does a backflip while tap-dancing on a Dharma ranch bucket of cheesy donuts.
"Never look at me, w00000t! Or I shall destroy every single one of your Jesus Sticks with my mighty Dharma bracelet of doom!" This got Kate super-excited at the prospect of retrospecting her past and she had a vision of children playing carless pranks on Axl Rose. Those must have been some kind of freaky little kids with amazing kitty-tossing abilities that make you laugh and buy cats called Desmond. This might sound odd to the fairy princesses and their twin sisters, but insane Belgian rappers will understand it perfectly. Then they had an onion-eating contest involving two tons of Dharma Onions (which are really made of white plastic, which caused their teeth to do backflips) and 30,000 liters of overcooked beef jerky legs. Then they danced until they all belched politely and sat down with a wiggle here and a jiggle there. It was quite a smelly-looking rodent, except that it wore a funny-looking hat- it had blue flamingos that danced around the surface and dipped their heads in tapioca pudding. The next thing to happen involved three spoons of acid-based etching solution and a talking baboon, who clearly could just as well have been a drunk poodle.
The really silliy thing about squirrels is they often attack gerbils for no peanut butter at all. Poodles are actually responsible for "You All Everything", which was later titled after the late emperor Sir Cheesface, who loved nothing more than sitting while standing, and therefore he was very confused and slumped over like a white polar bear, who was actually blue because mommiebear was dead because Sawyer shot her. "This is so silly," complained a headstrong little gin-soaked theorist Igmar, who was working on rebuilding Atlantis with his two illegitimate children named Bernie and Bobbie Fred, the infamous cabbage-eating turnips from Texas. "Man, rebuilding Atlantis from scratch is harder than the average brick. That's why we need Widmore Construction to eat 17 pounds of fried green tomatoes. That should really get them nice and fat so Zeke can bake them in a gigantic oven and then he'll invite likes to eat them with a spork," said Michael Bolton, who was drowned in a boat accident resting comfortably with nine Others and with Santa Claus' daughter: the Easter Bunny's sister of a cousin's friend's mother whose niece's father's second step-mother is a mutant turtle with a knack for eating the Hanso website along with all the creamy Dharma Peanut Butter that often talks. "So what's with the pizza?" said the doo doo-shaped peanut butter.
Suddenly, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael danced a quick waltz while doing a great impersonation of an African Jesus Stick. They were just about to go scuba diving when suddenly a DHARMA shark appeared and he started singing "Vanilla Ice Ice Baby, STOP collaborate and listen!" and "BILLY JEAN is not my lobba lobba but she is my artificial submarine expert who has a huge wart just on top of her left nasal passage. Obviously, one has to look at it with a giant needle, but giant needles are scarce so improvising is the only way elephants can have a nice day without warts. So they form an army of incredibly huge mutant knuckleheads to help them with the widespread reformation of ex-Dharma employees who were having a nudist picnic in the middle of a big open field. With them was Locke, Hurley, Michael Burton, and Larry, Curly, and Moe. It was a scary sight. They always called themselves "The Naked Brunch Bunch" and their motto was: "Never go outside while you are eating ramen". Then they all ran to get more ramen! However, they had to screw in lightbulbs by using their teeth.
Handsome Jack counted his stash-o'-guns and found his lost hair and got himself some Duck brand duct tape, and stuck his hair back on his shiny head. From that moment on, he was known all around as "Shirley McBettie", a famous drag queen. This didn't stop Jay from laughing until his seventies-style moustache spontaneously combusted, leaving him singed and his bikini torn while he took a trip to the Staff station. He then did a knitting class, back in Ohio, where Dave asked, "Why do you always wear a bikini DUDE? That just makes me want to puke on Mr. Eko's Jesus Stick. The Jesus Stick, however, wanted no part of all these messy interactions. Across the busy street stood Ana Lucia, no doubt buying a gun- but she's dead, how would she explain it? There are many mysteries that need to stay mysteriously mysterious for the mystery squad to solve. The mystery squad is sneaking around in the mystery cave, probably going all mysterious on us, wondering why HJ loves mystery stories about GIANT segways floating in midair with big shiny pink light sabres and bows, which it was using to take over DHARMA by cutting off everyone's hair and making them However, Jay and Captain Planet were coming to the rescue and brought a bag of DHARMA Theatrical Glue to eat. This made nobody happy at all because nobody was able to open their mouths and speak sentences like: "I want a slurpee" or "Peter Piper picked a pack of pretty pink polka-dot bikinis"."Oy vey," said Sun, because Jay is going to write a song about his love for Joop, with help from his imaginary pet leprechauns, who play cowbell while beating their heads in buckets of duck hunter's chicken legs. That's why E=MC2; it's very easy for Jay, but Jack can't do math, including proofs, which is strange, but not really, because of a massive explosion of Charlie Water potions which stimulate the mind.
Rose got out of her weekly Dharma meeting to go meet Jack and tell him that seven ponies are tastier than Jin's hand-caught fish. When Rose arrived at her mysterious super-secret public toilet, she exclaimed, "WHERE IS THAT BALD-HEADED PIECE OF TARP?! I REALLY NEED IT!", because she knew Austrailia was the tarp capital of the world. Jack disagreed; he thought that Southwestern Bulgaria was the tarp capital. But ANYWAYS (ding), Jack then dove into the mysterious super-secret public toilet and discovered that if you flushed it, a REALLY secret door opened just to the south of the other toilet paper holder in a meat locker in the bottom of a triple-layered chocolate cake that tasted like chicken, and it led to a talking cat. "Who enters my toilet lair?" said the cheshire cat to the bald-headed podcaster.
Four days ago an incident took place at the Swan station. Sector HF4 experienced malfunctioning rubber ducks with loose-hanging fangs and dripping noses that can do karate. Something had to be done about this situation immediately. Otherwise there could be vast nose leakage which could result in an unbelievable economic disaster in Lower Latvia and upper Lithuania. What a smelly flea that is. "ROFL" said Jay- strange, he's never said that for good reasons which include when he shaved the waves while surfing in freezing-cold water. In the meanwhile, a great big gigantically humongous immense whooping copious prodigious jumbo mammath titanic whaling smoke munster had a tiny miniscule microscopic small hamburger. Before SuperKate even got one bite, she had a chance to contact the Hamburglar to order some fries with a Big Mac and rabid rubber duckies containing a bag of french frog legs.
Libby and Ana Lucia both wondered why the heck they weren't wearing any pants; instead, they were wearing fancy shirts and ties and long flowing skirts. All of a sudden, a squeaky sound was heard from overhead. It was a flying mouse who was searching for some flying cheese nuggets to put in his super cheese nugget gun, which he was about to use on several cloned twins of each of the LPTers, but to no avail, for the sticky cheese had other plans. It grabbed the gun and shot Ana Lucia in the ear because she just deserved it and we all hate her and she was drunk and she's stupid and her momma immigrated illegally. "Oh no," said Ana, "I support illegal immigration!" Sadly, she is dead, perhaps not so sadly, because nobody liked her since she was such a pain! A sexy pain, but pain, no really sexy pain, and sexy pain is good, 'cause it's kinky, unlike painful pain, which is a really big turn-off.
"ZEKE YA STUPID FOOL!" exclaimed Rose, who was hanging "WELCOME NEW DHARMA EMPLOYEES, SEE BERNARD FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO OPERATE THE NEW ROBOTIC DHARMA SUPERWEAPON THAT WILL SQUIRT CORNFLAKES OUT OF ITS HUGE ROBOTIC POSTERIOR. NO NEED FOR MILK." Once the meeting begain, the druids danced to "You All Everybody" and the deGroots started to break up the exercise class in the Hanso Workout Center for smaller groups of initiatives to join the fun in confusing every person.
Normal people who live away from the island have always wondered about what wolverines look like, and why they carry boxes of Dharma cereal to the post office for the food drop in a pillow factory. The wolverines started throwing bubble-yum and babies at Charlie's guitar, screaming, "We are mutants from Dharma Initiative, and we want more peanut butter!" After the meeting, Rose was hungry, and went to the Dharma WalMart and got some meatballs, Apollo bars, and Charlie water. Just as she unwrapped, the cupcake's best friend, a cookie, came by advertising waffles for free! Rose wasn't making sense and she stuttered, "That's a pie-face cauldron!" Fear descended on them almost as quickly as a heavy crashing elevator with Hurley in it. The fear cried out, "I am fear! Fear me and my fearful wrath of scariness."
Jack woke up from a bed of snakes, yawned, and scratched his cat, which was lying on his oxygen mask. He used to get headaches from too much lovin' of the Hurley. He also saw visions of wavy green meadows where golden fairies danced around himself and Hurley, and SuperKate laughed as she flew on her black imaginary horse to Krypton, where super-duper-booper-cooper-snooper-man was waiting there with his sidekick, appropriately named Fred the Wonder Fish, whose powers consist of laser eye balls and, of course, super-duper-killer-evil-monsterous-mega-nasty-corroding-baby-killing-bad-smelly breath, which turned his water into "Evil Charlie Water". This proved Newton's theory that apples do fall because of electromagnets. "OR DID IT?" shouted Zeke the Friendly Seabilly, while his pet parrot squawked and squeaked, "Polly want a cracker". Then it exploded due to squawking too much and a silvery white portal opened in the wall next to him. Out stepped a huge plaid leprechaun with a scary pot of black gold that was bigger than any pot ever seen, even SaS's pot stash. "We're not stoners!" Craig said, holding a blunt.
Yet deadly effective rubber that smelled suspiciously like Tylenol proved that Craig was in fact a highly intellectual criminal mastermind bent on destroying the base of operations of the AARP- yes, the American Association of Retired People. They were hellbent on annoying anyone under the age of 65 by driving 25 miles under the speed limit, loudly singing "All Along The Watchtower" and refusing to admit that cheese smells good. So the old people broke the Internet. They covered it in lace and sprinkled holy water about the basketball court that was really the center of their "Anti-Youth Bake Sale Convention of Conventional Sweets and Other Treats That Young'ns Enjoy". Young'ns also like the confounded contraption called "television". It makes them feel crazily awkward and funny. Pillow help them to sleep while watching TV and washing their dentures and cleaning their ears, but they sold their books, because the TV rots your brain, and now they sit and complain about all socks that talk.
"FINALLY WE'VE BEEN FRIED IN TOMATO JUICE AND COOKED IN HUGE UZBEKISTANIAN MEAT AND POTATOES." Then Jack and Michael Bolton sang blue-eyed soul tunes. Then Billie Jean, who claimed not to be my lover, somehow formed an alliance with the missing un-dead zombie maniacs and killed all the experimental Uzbeks that Jack had concocted from a batch of gin and zombie parts from season 23 of Lost.There was nothing but a steel trap door where Jay and Jack had hidden the zombies from Uzbekistan. All of a sudden there was a pickle that belonged to HIM. The pickle smelled like heavenly tears of Chuck Norris, even though the pickle couldn't cure cancer, like Chuck Norris' toe-nail clippings could.
Then a door to the back of Willy Wonka's Wonderful Welly Chocolate Factory opened up, then exploded into jacks to reveal its gushy chocolate, similar to Apollo bars that have melted and turned into gold flakey stars, which are all over Jay's head. Jay got mad and threw Chinese stars at the Oompa Loompas, who ran screaming through the kitchen in Jack's house, where they came upon one hell of a messy after-breakfast scene involving three bullfighters, ten giant Dharma huts, and a drunken Zeke. The oompa loompas jumped up and down on Jack's shiny bald head, singing "What a lovely morning, what a lovely day in the neighborhood." Then a meteor came and killed everyone except the people on the island, the Munster, and the president of Mexico. The islanders decided to retaliate. They supported Northern Latvia and Eastern Slobavia in their fight for naked independence.
Then the president of Mexico whipped out a Dharma batch of peanut butter and some goldfish crackers for usage to quell the rebellion of Snerts. The islanders used Snerts at every possible opportunity to attack the Others, but it rarely worked. That was because the Snerts never heart anything that looks like a big lovable Fraggle, which is exactly what the Others look like, except when they shave. All of a sudden, the Others' beards exploded. When they shave, they use gasoline and propane, since it opens up the pores quite nicely. Jack thought it was time for bloody vengeance because Locke was shaving with gasoline and propane, and that's the only stuff to power the Island Olympics score board. So as he left his favorite leaf smoke dancing shrimp on, he had no career to fall back on.
During the Island Olympics, in the papaya relay, Michael shot everyone's papaya in order to extract lead-filled papaya juice which was toxic and nutritious at the same time. Charlie then fed his stash of mangoes to Vincent the new Dharma rabies dog, which then bit Anna, injecting her with poisonous yet revitalizing spit, that many owls had perished and cherished when they spontaneously combusted, then rolled over and died a long, yet pleasant, death, much like overdosing on overcooked armpit cookies with a small side of delicious and nutritious Munster. Yes, that Munster sure does make dying fun. So fun, in fact, Jack married the munster, because he wanted to have some good time, and there's no better way to get high like that, except kicking yourself in the back of your butt while running, which I'm unable to do. Jack and the Munster, sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G. And now, onto the real story: Shinra's "Magical Mystery Mango Munching" mystifies most men, mainly Moldovian midgets. Mourning mum's make massive munster meals and manly marketing maps that make more money markers and mating monkeys than mean maternal mullet-wearing malodorous Maniacal Mafia Madmen with Munstrously Malicious miniguns and mean moaning mice marching mechanically maintained marshmallows which may mark massive mating monkeys making movies about Mongolian meandering meanders causing massive maladies and mortal malignant melanomes. Anyhow... Mister Marvin misses Mrs Andria, But could do better with wesh's ginormous book on how to make a plane full of exploding mice using only things from MacGyver's back pocket and socks. Too bad they didn't meet the health regulations, for they really stunk. The odor was incredibly foul. It smelled like rotten eggs combined with spinach and curdled milk. Alavar threw up in a DHARMA puke bag after drinking that foul vaccine that Desmond had to inject every nine minutes each day of a Plutonian year. He then rolled over and continued sleeping like he always does- on a Dharma weekend night shift with his best buddy MRS. DOUBTFIRE! "Oh my!" shouted Jay. "I love the Care Bears!" The Care Bears, however, are behind Dharma with their super abilities of dundunDUUUUUN....STARING AT PEOPLE. "MY EYES......THEY BURRRRRNNNNNN!" yelled Marvin, but he was already doomed.
The cheese maker got killed and his parents wanted $108,422,3815 to keep him in private school, because they wanted him to learn the art of exalting Jack in 2 seconds without having Jay (naturally) beat him by cheating like usual- except Jay doesn't cheat, because Jay is a good, yet misguided, guy with a teeny, tiny microscopic flaw: he's nothing compared to Jimmy Page! Enough exalting silliness now! On to important business; there was this farmer named Billy who always knew where his tractor was parked. But one day he awoke and saw the tractor sneaking towards the land of hilarious dreams and sweet, sweet revenge. Rather than get all upset and reap what he sewed, he decided to mellow out by taking a duck boat ride with his friend Bobby Joe Pickens, Jr., who just so happens to be the President of Uzbekistan. The Uzbekistanian government, however, was not pleased to be represented by Bobby Joe Pickens Jr., for he smells of horribly mixed gin containing Vicodin and year-old black jelly beans and lumpy mashed potato heads, and he always wears horrible red sweater-vests knitted by Tajikistani kids who are paid in only red Fruity Pebbles. After eating the "Exalt Jack!" cereal, they fell to the ground with pleasure from happiness- or Jack's smelly feet- and held onto a tiny thread of life while eating Dharma-O's with milk. Meanwhile Fenry forcefully fed food from freaky France into Francine's face for fun, feeling forever frantic and fanatic from fawning for fruit to feeling flavored flowers which fought ferociously for freedom from the Floridians who failed to fullfill Fred's fate; fortunately, farmers frequently found freaky ferrets who were fervoriously fond of frisky fresh fruit formed from Formosa's firepits in Finnytow, Finland.
