Post by dharmashark on Jun 7, 2006 19:49:00 GMT -5
All right BNH already stretched it to 109, so I have an excuse to post a full recap.
It can be a tradition, see, the Three Word Story always goes to 109 pages.
~ Inside the small village of Raleigh lived a man named Handsome Jack who liked to make incredibly crackpotty theories about his Dharma buddies from on the island in the hatch next to the stash of makeup that is used to spank monkies while waiting for replacements to arrive to help with pushing the button and making faces at the Others. Now, when the Others eat bacon- rubbery, Dharma bacon- they can enjoy a side of Dharma French toast covered in rich Charlie water that no one knows is really scary - REALLY REALLY SCARY! More frightening than when HJ says, "Honey I'm gonna go find a new Crackpot Theory down yonder in ol' Kentucky, where we like to eat fried chicken tha thas been sprinkled with Dharma salt and pepper. One day, Jack decided to buy a time machine so he could see the Losties' underwater hatch before "the experiment" occured- the experiment being a highly secretive test to see if Uzbeks could juggle Jesus Sticks while being punched while singing, "If I tried to fly without polar bears or hatches or annoying treefrogs or Eskimo Moses's or flying squirrels I would fail!"
Jack studied them and found out the Uzbeks couldn't find the cure for baldness so they killed the smoke munster by trapping it in a Dharma vacuum already filled with Charlie water and all kinds of furry little creatures who all took pleasure in knowing the Munster was munching on Oreos without Dharma milk. Meanwhile, Jay decided to wear silk ties in order to wear silk. He loved the silky feeling it caused his neck and the way he shivered when that silk decided to strangle him. They found Jay lying on the bathroom floor, cookie crumbs on his hyperextended pinky, which was very sexy, yet weird, and Jack screamed, "THERE ARE COOKIE CRUMBS ALL OVER MY FACE, SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!" All of a sudden, an ambulance flew through the back door of the hatch, and the paramedics jumped right beside the burning death hole also known as Snoopy the Great's escape pod tunnel in which Jack had many times hidden his hair while pretending to be Elvis.
I'm going to go away to search bananas for my secret button-pusher, so please excuse all of the sea urchins everywhere and the ugly hatch, because it hasn't been cleaned since the incident. So they left to find bananas, but suddenly stopped when they heard the noise of the Munster coming and decided to domesticate the Munster and train it to use a wheedwhacker and mind-control all of the elves. Of course, the hobbits had other thoughts; they were going to the Black Sabbath concert with Twinkies and Coke. One hobbit screamed, "OH MY GOD! I HAVE BIG TASTE IN FOREIGN POTATO-BASED DISHES SOAKED IN GALLONS OF CHARLIE WATER! So we're clear." This greatly startled all of the polar bears to start a stampede and rush towards the center of wherever the kosher pickles were. What happened next shocked everyone. Desmond appeared out of nowhere, waving a can of Dharma Beanless Chili, screaming, "BROTHA! THIS CHILI DOES NOT HAVE DHARMA BRAND GUARANTEED FRESHNESS! I CAN'T POSSIBLY THROW IT FAR TO QUALIFY FOR THE ISAND OLYMPICS NEXT WEEK!"
A startled Jack turned to SuperKate and said, "Well, you have been sexy and hot and also extremely muscular from all the Dharma vaccine that you ingested, but now I feel I must go to the dark side of the force and talk to Anakin so I can use the force to grow hair. Jedi Master Yoda trained Desmond to sharpen a light saber using his hands along with a Jesus-Saber to defeat the sith lords and kill the Lost Podcast Team, but were defeated after beating LPTers in their dreams. The dreams were manifested by the hungry ewok rebel spy rebel losers manifested in a swollen squirrel-eating sloth cave filled with bodies of fallen jawas and jedi from the war between the two groups of others over the 7-11 in East LA, because it had cool red slurpees, which were better than Dharma slurpees in the hatch, because they had less sugar and extra Charlie water and bendy straws and plastic caps and plastic cups. And they all had a very very very very very good time just drinking and eating pancakes with maple syrup. Hurley was suffering from horrible diarrhea but nobody cared because it's Hurley. On the other side of the island, a small shadow was moving toward a big black hole in the middle of Locke's stash-o'-knives so it could swim in the bucket of Locke's blood which he had insured for $50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000- thus, it was nearly priceless. Down by the creepy bald guy although no one could remember why they were drunk because the gin did not have Dharma Diet Coke mixed with it. Before anyone noticed that Sporty had stolen Sawyer's stash which was guarded by four hundred million wild llamas with Dharma tattoos on their foreheads and on their backs were big pimples and warts that looked like roadmaps of the Uzbekistanian highway system which transversed over to the Nile and into the city of Raleigh, NY. "Guy, where the Poseidon sank and everyone drank lots and lots of Charlie water which made them see visions of bellydancing lab rats that had recently gotten themselves a new hairstyle.
"Why is it so cold in the Pearl hatch? It might be the stash of slurpees that is causing the low temperature in Uzbekistan," said Mr. Friendly. Suddenly I gave Jack some hair because the Hoompa-Loompas were eating it. Jack then said, "Bernard and Rose haven't been seen at the meetings lately because they are busy with shaking their booties and tooting tooties while working for a secret department in the Dharma Initiative Cookie Factory, which sells special Bugs Bunny-shaped cookies filled with macaroni and cheese and root beer."
Meanwhile, Alvar Hanso was playing cricket with Donald Trump. Exclaimed Donald, "I think I have Mrs. Doubtfire's armpit in my hatch and it seems that it wants to play with the Others' teddy bear because it's so fuzzy and has Dharma encrusted theatrical glue- stickier than Dharma Peanut Butter wrapped in a layer of dried Jesus Stick bark that has been tied to a loaf of cheese. So Alvar and his friend Hugh and Dr. TM visited the hatch with the armpit and enjoyed the comfort of the armpit's warm hair. That's exactly when Bitter Jay appeared and started throwing small, fuzzy balls at Alvar and his friend Hugh "Armpit Eater" Bobman. Alvar and Hugh go way back; they used to hang out in Lower Latvia and Uzbekistan. They were undercover rugrats that decided to infiltrate the Uzbekistanian government, but they were stopped by SuperKate as she shot a picture of Alvar holding Hugh's face. "AHA! Your face looks like it needs a good ol' rub under Mrs. Doubtfire's armpit in early June. "Oh, Mrs. Doubtfire..." he said angrily, "WHY MUST YOU BE SO GOSH DARN SEDUCTIVELY BUTCH? I WANT YOU IN MY HATCH RIGHT BEHIND THE DHARMA HEADQUARTERS IN COPENHAGEN." Mrs. Doubtfire blushed and began flaunting. They took a ride to the closest Dhar-Mart, but it was closed, so Mrs. Doubtfire took her foreign-looking Chiwatweiler to the Danish council in Danishland, and it got rabies after being bit by a wild boar called Rambo. "Me arm got hurt." "Couldn't care less." "But you bit me in the arm you JERK!" "Yeah that's right." That's when Xenu yelled at Danishlandians, "YOU HAVE WEIRD COOKIES THAT ARE DELICIOUS YET FILLING! THEY MAKE ME WRITHE IN PAIN LIKE NEVER BEFORE. DHARMA HAS THE PEANUT BUTTER, BUT I'M LOSING MY TUNAFISH SANDWICH MIND OVER COOKIES FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE WITH SPRINKLES ON WASHING MACHINE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR SEVERAL DIFFERENT INSTANCES ON LOCKE'S HEAD. ALL OF THIS IS REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WEIRD BUT BETTER THAN WATCHING PAINT TRY WHEN YOU'RE BLIND OR EVEN LISTENING TO HANDSOME JACK, WHO'S GONNA LOSE!"
'Cause he's bald and is hairless and boring and drones on and is really funny in his dreams but not in the real world. Jay says, "Anyways... Exalt Jack and smite him more!" Once Jay wins, he will realize that he cheated by giving himself extra karma while he smote Jack fairly and methodically. To end the silly fighting of superior Jay and inferior Jack, we drink Charlie water and click exalt- but only exalt, never click smite- all in the fun of war. At the start of the latest run for president, Bubbles the Great Robot Scientist can create robotic robots complete with robotic walking robot legs that are ready for stomping on John Deere tractors that could be spawned from Satan's tractor-making factory in Azerbaijan's capital. Sporty exalted Jack without considering the awesomeness that would NOT come from exalting him because fire is greater than water, but the earth is flat because there isn't any paper to write on about how cool Bitter Jay is and how lame bald Jack is when he says, "I have bad breath and my face doesn't help because it scares sweet little children, scarring them emotionally."
While visiting Danishland, Jack experienced a very very scary encounter with "him", which resulted in severe sock leakage, which caused the inevitable draining of thousands of gallons of Charlie water. Then, without warning, the Charlie water puddled itself together to form the Uzbekistanian lake called "Jack's Bald Head". In this lake lived an attorney, a mysterious man the Losties called Mr. Attorney Man or maybe just Jake the Attorney, or simply Jake. Jake proclaimed, "Don't make me talk about Jerry Seinfeld eating fried frogs, because he won't push the button. And that's that." Walt suddenly appeared and yelled, "Dharma Peanut Butter rocks!" Then he left because he had to go pee pee in the Dharma toilet. "Out of paper!" yelled Walt when he realized that the toilet was out of paper. Luckily, he found a list with the names of every member of the IPI, which happens to be one of the leading Dharma advisory councils. They are led by their great leader megalobrainiac, who's actually an Other in disguise. His real name happens to be Henry Gale Jr., who comes to visit every eighth day of each month. Sometimes on the 23rd or the 15th or the 4th or the 16th, but no other. Suddenly there was a vision materializing; Jay and Jack appeared and spoke, "Esolc era yeht, era srehto eht", "Yrgnuh ma I" , and finally "YaJ si eman ym." Then the munster was really confused and started crying. Locke went over to provide a karate chop to the munster's crotch. The munster countered with a spinning Chuck Norris-style roundhouse kick right in Locke's jacked-up leg. Locke screamed in pain, "I LOVE PINA COLADAS AND DHARMA RANCH DRESSING WHILE IT'S RAINING!" The munster stared and started laughing hysterically. It was the stupidest thing the munster had ever done. It's normally very, very, very, very calm and scary and very mysterious. It decided to turn around and go over to the Others' camp and eat them for breakfast while showing their memories to them. It was quite strange- Jack's still crying because of the things they saw; they reminded him of his childhood when the bully called Alvar Hanso would steal his Dharma Peanut Butter and eat it with a spork like pancakes with jellyfish syrup or moly green cheese with crumbs of contaminated goldfish crackers that love yoga early in the morning. Locke hobbled into the jungle and stumbled over the Flame hatch, bursting into flames.
He jumped around only to fall over a cliff and die. Not that far away, Charlie was busy reading the Nekronomokon- not understanding it, but still reading- and wet his Virgin Mary statue. The statue replied, "What in the land of Danishlandian name of Clarence heroin inside me?! Rather, toast seems to taste good, but not as yummy as heroin with Charlie water, but the plot thickens! thickens! Locke - alive?! It's Locke's ghost from that fall, or he's zombified and now goes "RRRRAAARRRRGH! I want to see more meatballs and spaghetti and more lost! I love knives!" That's exactly when 42 world leaders, including Danishland's President, Uzbekistan's president, The Great Islom Karimov , and Lower Lavtia's Ultra Powerful Leader, The Ultimate Warrior, all sat at the entrance of the building because nobody brought any extra purple illegal alcoholic beverages or the keys to the Pontiac boat that Igmar had brought with recycled gin bottles to take them to a bar and buy more gin, because they wanted to get very very drunk on recycled gin, which tastes pretty salty, surprisingly. Anyways, they got snockered and went to the clown college where they successfully captured four clowns and took them back to the bar to play the deranged panda flute, or maybe just sit back and play beer pong 'til Reagan came with his buddy and destroyed the beer keg, so Desmond flipped out and broke something.
And that something was the only face Jay had. Then desmond went to eat some boat rust. "WHOA!This tastes like Dharma fried octopus covered in ranch dressing and sweet 'n sour gourmet frog legs dipped in lard and deep fried in Charlie water and sprinkled with shredded cheddar cheese and a baseball hat!" exclaimed Desmond. Then Claire walked- no, Desmond walked- into a pile of strep germs. Desmond immediately ran into a rake and tripped onto a garden hose, getting his jumpsuit all wet and soggy, so he dried it in the Dharma dryer. The electromagnet suddenly sucked all the zippers off his jumpsuit and loosened his fililngs so his teeth looked like Locke's head and his pants were on fire from Eko's new Jesus Flamethrower. It comes complete with Jesus Grenades, Jesus Scope, and Jesus Dynamite. It's the ultimate destroyer of infidel robot haters that's available to buy! "I want one so I can kill loads of albino flying squirrels who gamble a lot! Gambling is bad! Please stop gambling or I shall sing like this: quit playing games right now or my unbearable voice shall keep singing Backstreet Boys songs forever!" yelled Mr. Mustardman; he was highly upset about the gambling squirrels and their stupid machine gun bunkers with Jesus Flamethrowers and smoke munsters that liked to tap dance uncontrollably while showing scenes from Lost episodes in Spanish backwards with muppets narrating a different show in pig Latin in a Burger King next to Dharma King, an Uzbekistanian take-out restaurant that hires koalas to attack people that play "Fire at Uzbekistan!"
The Uzbekistanians didn't appreciate player haters eating gangstas from ATL, so their crew armed themselves with glocks with hollows and shot themselves in the shoulder and bled out a glowing substance called "crunk juice". Then P. Diddy came to save the Latvian Republican army. They didn't appreciate his singing capacities and shot him thrice in the heart but he didn't die because his jewelry stopped the bullets. "BLING BLING OWNS YO' CAMOV!" That's exactly when cheese became elected Pope Limburger II, the first Danish pope from Danishland. "With my new power I shall lead my people into utter despair called Lower Latvia. There they will all go to work camps and play poker with quadrapoligic bald men that like to be called Rambo and spit at whoever walks limping by in a wheelchair and has big knuckles and toes with hair everywhere- everywhere, quite literally. I mean EVERYWHERE. We're talkin' wolverines! The anti-Jack! So much hair! Roadkill with Rogain! Chewbacca's winter coat! Bigfoot's hairier brotha! Zeke's fake beard! Desmond's shaggy mane multiplied by ten!"
Onto something completely without any hair but still just as scary: Locke ate Claire's bay-bay and got indigestion, so he went to Sawyer for some medicine, but Sawyer offered him a deal: Locke had to dress up like an Other and dance the funky chicken until Dharma employees went bald 'cause they saw him changing the dates of Dharma meetings, so obviously the mayonnaise tastes weird when one adds rusty nails and recycled gin, so we will catch all of the fish in the lake before they attack with Milk Duds and cheesecakes. CHEESECAKES! It's too late to help them because their brains have mutated into sheep's bladders that make them want to throw computers on bald people and at Austrailians, which is expensive because computers cost lots of money. So they jogged out of the supermarket to the Dhar-Mart and bought Dharma milk chocolate and Dharma flamethrowers complete with Dharma grenades and rockets! Especially Jesus Scope! Eventually they just bought everything there and started to build the ultimate anti-Lostie weapon called "THE MEGA-GIGANTIC REALLY BIG SUPER POWERFUL DEADLY HIGHLY DANGEROUS METAL SLIGHTLY PLASTIC ULTRA-STURDY BENDABLE... fortress." But then, meteors started to fall on the red-shirts and they ran to the bomb as quickly as Desmond running through the jungle towards the Swan hatch, where Locke was about to practice dancing to Geronimo Jackson wearing a Dharma Initiative suit with fuzzy slippers and a fake left arm and a glass eye. Eko was banging on the door because he wanted some sugar for his slurpee. Mommie said no more cheesecake as it contains high amounts of Charlie water and cheese so Eko cried.
Then Locke began to feel sorry for Mr. Eko, because mushrooms killed his mother's sister's grandmother's pet turtle Michaelangelo that had twenty cheesecakes for toes and a spikey, purple, glowing head with black eyes and a big furry unibrow, so Locke sent Eko a postcard from Lower Latvia reading, "The button is bad; really REALLY REALLLLLLLYYY BAD! Like, for real. But you already pushed it, doofus, and now it won't open Powerpoint, because the computer reeks of turnips, and Ctrl+Alt+Delete doesn't exist on apple farms due to extremely high prices." The island will walk 500 miles upshore to find the ocean; obviously it needs Apollo Bars to keep up its strength. Several years ago, it had plenty of mango-flavored pastries with orange glaze on top from Dunkin' Donuts to rich creamy Dharma Peanut Butter and egg cream with odd-colored marbles and checkers that had been painted by pygmies using melted skittles and tiny brushes.
So it then ate its own beach just to be different. Then Shinra appeared out of jail with injuries around his eye and nose because he tried to break out using his Ninja Turtle skills. But nothing worked for Mrs. Doubtfire, who helped him eat cheese hair made from goats and pure sand which was washed in Dharma bleach, better than Tide because it has nasty fruit scents and not fantastic Dharma poker sets which are neat and nearly indestructible. After the incident, which happened years and years and minutes ago, someone forgot to clean the cheese grater. "MY CHEESE IS DIRTY! DIRTY CHEESE WILL KILL EVERYBODY! SOMEONE CLEAN THE CAUSTIC KITCHEN UTENSIL BEFORE I LOSE CONTROL OF MY STUFFED RABBIT, FLUFFY, THE OTHER-DESTROYER AND CARROT-EATER OF THE WORLD OF DANISH DUDES AND FINLANDIAN FEMALES WHO SPEAK PERFECT ALGEBRA EQUATIONS IN HTML FORMAT WHEN FORCED TO DO BACKFLIPS ON KEYBOARDS AND SAY THE MAGIC WORD 'GOOGLE' AND DON'T EVER, EVER TRY TO OPEN THE SQUIRREL'S SUITCASE 'CAUSE THAT WILL LEAD TO ANOTHER INCIDENT ON ANOTHER ISLAND WITH ANOTHER PLANE CRASH THAT WILL CAUSE MASS HAPPINESS IN DHARMAVILLE, HOME OF THE OTHERS AND ZEKE'S BEARD FACTORY WITH MODIFIED ENHANCEMENTS TO THE HAIR OF MS. KLUGH THAT MAKES IT ABLE TO FIRE 500 BULLETS SIMULTANEOUSLY!" yelled the cheese who had just been eaten alive.
The cheese then arrived home to cook some cheese, which is cannibalism and very bad, at least to Cheese Equality activists, who fight the Swiss Rebels, who, in Lower Latvia, annihilated Uzbekistanian refugees. In the year 485162342 Jay won the award for "Most Un-Bald Person in the World and the Universe". Jack, however, won "Most Bald Person" by a landslide. They melted their fondue in large vats made of very strong plastic and rendered animal fat, a gross concoction to be sure. That's why the Jay Army is not too shabby, way better than no army at Jack's Army Camp. So Babe Ruth went all Rambo on those who dared to smite the great Redsox, who's not really, but he is!
Away from the Shinra clones who eat potatoes through giant needles that lead grotesquely into Jack's bald head, which can talk and said this, "It is good that you are bald because most Handsome Jacks wouldn't wouldn't be caught dead with Mrs. Doubtfire because she smells like musty year-old Dharma gin-flavored tacos that have little bunnies mixed with more cheese and a spicy orangutan sauce that tickles the throat and burns your glass eyeballs. The alien squirrel came to the island to find Locke because he wanted to throw knives at fat boars. But Locke was too stingy with his hair 'cause it smelled like burnt toast with nut clusters melting in the sands of time, causing serious damage to the continuum of both time and logs alike, without destroying his Mrs. Doubtfire life-sized statue, but it smashed. And then, suddenly, a squirrel monkey broke into song about Dharma crackers and gin-soaked theories on the smoke munster's attempts to blink people into their flashbacks and show them why Locke is so friggin' AWESOME! But one day Locke told Jack, "I am your greatest mortal enemy and also your bestest pal, buddy! So give me some Dharma cupcakes, or my bald head will flake!" Then the squirrel quickly fled into the underwater hatch in the sky with Icarus' wings. But the song sang, "HIT ME, SQUIRRELY, RIGHT NOW!" and let out an ape cry that awoke the dharma shark who WENT ALL COMMANDO! He ate Michael and Henry's eyeballs. Llewellyn was confused by benxtaron's brilliance because he always wanted a hamster. Baby hamsters were cuddly like razor-backed hogs with poisonous breath. Who attacked Michael. But Walt was already a clone attracted by Shannon to the Underworld of Pinochle Players with four toes and millions of demonic squirrel monkeys betting on meld and poker games. With their mangoes.
Jack and Sawyer crashed a car and ran over Zeke's box of cute furry bunnies, so cuddly and smelly that you want to throw one in a chew toy or vat of acid and/or a bag of your brother's dirty laundry that smells like Dharma peanut butter rotting with kitty urine and polar poo that Bernard had for breakfast. Rose just noticed what Bernard did and fell down 'cause of the leftover poo on Vincent the dog. Vincent then morphed into Bill Clinton, who slept with a female log-carrier whose name was Grismelda Vander Kloomp Weder Zender Hiemen from Hamburg, Germany, land of the 2006 World Cup and of Casper. German log farms are plentiful there as long as people are willing to shave their sideburns and practice Dolce and Gabbana runway model movies that could kill calories off Zeke's infested calorie system. Such are they things that they grate cheese over flaming chicken meatballs. Zeus smote Danishland with a loofa and they bathed in hydrochloric acid, but it burned throughout the Dharma Bathtub. Danish Charlie candy bars are mushy and sticky and taste like an iPod and cement.
Meanwhile, back in the Uzbekistanian Community of Lost, Rose was jumping on the hatch and started a screaming match with Charlie, but fell down to Hades, the god of the monkey world and Eastern Westland- the land of the lost. Dharma brand cookies fell from the sky and onto the lunch plate of Dharma ham sandwiches, which belongs to Zeke the friendly flying sea monkey, globally known for being able to quote William Shakespeare, and for his love of fake beards that happen to come into work late and annoy the sea otters in the swimming pool that belongs to Elton John's butler, whose name is Jack, as in Jack Butlerson II, the dog who had seven brains and ate computers for lunch and breakfast, dinner, and supper, and also ate clones with some ketchup and shared them with his girl, Rosemary Paulinaskova Narklesohn, that's the daughter of a she-wolf and Widmore's wife. OMG a polar bear wandered in the Others' tents without saying hello! He just screamed, "My gosh, Jack! What happened to your hair? It's gone pink with strands of fluffy Dharma unicorns!" Suddenly Eko screamed like a scaled mockingbird and shouted, "Hey! Jack's hair's pink! I want purple eyebrows and a moustache!"
It can be a tradition, see, the Three Word Story always goes to 109 pages.
~ Inside the small village of Raleigh lived a man named Handsome Jack who liked to make incredibly crackpotty theories about his Dharma buddies from on the island in the hatch next to the stash of makeup that is used to spank monkies while waiting for replacements to arrive to help with pushing the button and making faces at the Others. Now, when the Others eat bacon- rubbery, Dharma bacon- they can enjoy a side of Dharma French toast covered in rich Charlie water that no one knows is really scary - REALLY REALLY SCARY! More frightening than when HJ says, "Honey I'm gonna go find a new Crackpot Theory down yonder in ol' Kentucky, where we like to eat fried chicken tha thas been sprinkled with Dharma salt and pepper. One day, Jack decided to buy a time machine so he could see the Losties' underwater hatch before "the experiment" occured- the experiment being a highly secretive test to see if Uzbeks could juggle Jesus Sticks while being punched while singing, "If I tried to fly without polar bears or hatches or annoying treefrogs or Eskimo Moses's or flying squirrels I would fail!"
Jack studied them and found out the Uzbeks couldn't find the cure for baldness so they killed the smoke munster by trapping it in a Dharma vacuum already filled with Charlie water and all kinds of furry little creatures who all took pleasure in knowing the Munster was munching on Oreos without Dharma milk. Meanwhile, Jay decided to wear silk ties in order to wear silk. He loved the silky feeling it caused his neck and the way he shivered when that silk decided to strangle him. They found Jay lying on the bathroom floor, cookie crumbs on his hyperextended pinky, which was very sexy, yet weird, and Jack screamed, "THERE ARE COOKIE CRUMBS ALL OVER MY FACE, SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!" All of a sudden, an ambulance flew through the back door of the hatch, and the paramedics jumped right beside the burning death hole also known as Snoopy the Great's escape pod tunnel in which Jack had many times hidden his hair while pretending to be Elvis.
I'm going to go away to search bananas for my secret button-pusher, so please excuse all of the sea urchins everywhere and the ugly hatch, because it hasn't been cleaned since the incident. So they left to find bananas, but suddenly stopped when they heard the noise of the Munster coming and decided to domesticate the Munster and train it to use a wheedwhacker and mind-control all of the elves. Of course, the hobbits had other thoughts; they were going to the Black Sabbath concert with Twinkies and Coke. One hobbit screamed, "OH MY GOD! I HAVE BIG TASTE IN FOREIGN POTATO-BASED DISHES SOAKED IN GALLONS OF CHARLIE WATER! So we're clear." This greatly startled all of the polar bears to start a stampede and rush towards the center of wherever the kosher pickles were. What happened next shocked everyone. Desmond appeared out of nowhere, waving a can of Dharma Beanless Chili, screaming, "BROTHA! THIS CHILI DOES NOT HAVE DHARMA BRAND GUARANTEED FRESHNESS! I CAN'T POSSIBLY THROW IT FAR TO QUALIFY FOR THE ISAND OLYMPICS NEXT WEEK!"
A startled Jack turned to SuperKate and said, "Well, you have been sexy and hot and also extremely muscular from all the Dharma vaccine that you ingested, but now I feel I must go to the dark side of the force and talk to Anakin so I can use the force to grow hair. Jedi Master Yoda trained Desmond to sharpen a light saber using his hands along with a Jesus-Saber to defeat the sith lords and kill the Lost Podcast Team, but were defeated after beating LPTers in their dreams. The dreams were manifested by the hungry ewok rebel spy rebel losers manifested in a swollen squirrel-eating sloth cave filled with bodies of fallen jawas and jedi from the war between the two groups of others over the 7-11 in East LA, because it had cool red slurpees, which were better than Dharma slurpees in the hatch, because they had less sugar and extra Charlie water and bendy straws and plastic caps and plastic cups. And they all had a very very very very very good time just drinking and eating pancakes with maple syrup. Hurley was suffering from horrible diarrhea but nobody cared because it's Hurley. On the other side of the island, a small shadow was moving toward a big black hole in the middle of Locke's stash-o'-knives so it could swim in the bucket of Locke's blood which he had insured for $50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000- thus, it was nearly priceless. Down by the creepy bald guy although no one could remember why they were drunk because the gin did not have Dharma Diet Coke mixed with it. Before anyone noticed that Sporty had stolen Sawyer's stash which was guarded by four hundred million wild llamas with Dharma tattoos on their foreheads and on their backs were big pimples and warts that looked like roadmaps of the Uzbekistanian highway system which transversed over to the Nile and into the city of Raleigh, NY. "Guy, where the Poseidon sank and everyone drank lots and lots of Charlie water which made them see visions of bellydancing lab rats that had recently gotten themselves a new hairstyle.
"Why is it so cold in the Pearl hatch? It might be the stash of slurpees that is causing the low temperature in Uzbekistan," said Mr. Friendly. Suddenly I gave Jack some hair because the Hoompa-Loompas were eating it. Jack then said, "Bernard and Rose haven't been seen at the meetings lately because they are busy with shaking their booties and tooting tooties while working for a secret department in the Dharma Initiative Cookie Factory, which sells special Bugs Bunny-shaped cookies filled with macaroni and cheese and root beer."
Meanwhile, Alvar Hanso was playing cricket with Donald Trump. Exclaimed Donald, "I think I have Mrs. Doubtfire's armpit in my hatch and it seems that it wants to play with the Others' teddy bear because it's so fuzzy and has Dharma encrusted theatrical glue- stickier than Dharma Peanut Butter wrapped in a layer of dried Jesus Stick bark that has been tied to a loaf of cheese. So Alvar and his friend Hugh and Dr. TM visited the hatch with the armpit and enjoyed the comfort of the armpit's warm hair. That's exactly when Bitter Jay appeared and started throwing small, fuzzy balls at Alvar and his friend Hugh "Armpit Eater" Bobman. Alvar and Hugh go way back; they used to hang out in Lower Latvia and Uzbekistan. They were undercover rugrats that decided to infiltrate the Uzbekistanian government, but they were stopped by SuperKate as she shot a picture of Alvar holding Hugh's face. "AHA! Your face looks like it needs a good ol' rub under Mrs. Doubtfire's armpit in early June. "Oh, Mrs. Doubtfire..." he said angrily, "WHY MUST YOU BE SO GOSH DARN SEDUCTIVELY BUTCH? I WANT YOU IN MY HATCH RIGHT BEHIND THE DHARMA HEADQUARTERS IN COPENHAGEN." Mrs. Doubtfire blushed and began flaunting. They took a ride to the closest Dhar-Mart, but it was closed, so Mrs. Doubtfire took her foreign-looking Chiwatweiler to the Danish council in Danishland, and it got rabies after being bit by a wild boar called Rambo. "Me arm got hurt." "Couldn't care less." "But you bit me in the arm you JERK!" "Yeah that's right." That's when Xenu yelled at Danishlandians, "YOU HAVE WEIRD COOKIES THAT ARE DELICIOUS YET FILLING! THEY MAKE ME WRITHE IN PAIN LIKE NEVER BEFORE. DHARMA HAS THE PEANUT BUTTER, BUT I'M LOSING MY TUNAFISH SANDWICH MIND OVER COOKIES FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE WITH SPRINKLES ON WASHING MACHINE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR SEVERAL DIFFERENT INSTANCES ON LOCKE'S HEAD. ALL OF THIS IS REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WEIRD BUT BETTER THAN WATCHING PAINT TRY WHEN YOU'RE BLIND OR EVEN LISTENING TO HANDSOME JACK, WHO'S GONNA LOSE!"
'Cause he's bald and is hairless and boring and drones on and is really funny in his dreams but not in the real world. Jay says, "Anyways... Exalt Jack and smite him more!" Once Jay wins, he will realize that he cheated by giving himself extra karma while he smote Jack fairly and methodically. To end the silly fighting of superior Jay and inferior Jack, we drink Charlie water and click exalt- but only exalt, never click smite- all in the fun of war. At the start of the latest run for president, Bubbles the Great Robot Scientist can create robotic robots complete with robotic walking robot legs that are ready for stomping on John Deere tractors that could be spawned from Satan's tractor-making factory in Azerbaijan's capital. Sporty exalted Jack without considering the awesomeness that would NOT come from exalting him because fire is greater than water, but the earth is flat because there isn't any paper to write on about how cool Bitter Jay is and how lame bald Jack is when he says, "I have bad breath and my face doesn't help because it scares sweet little children, scarring them emotionally."
While visiting Danishland, Jack experienced a very very scary encounter with "him", which resulted in severe sock leakage, which caused the inevitable draining of thousands of gallons of Charlie water. Then, without warning, the Charlie water puddled itself together to form the Uzbekistanian lake called "Jack's Bald Head". In this lake lived an attorney, a mysterious man the Losties called Mr. Attorney Man or maybe just Jake the Attorney, or simply Jake. Jake proclaimed, "Don't make me talk about Jerry Seinfeld eating fried frogs, because he won't push the button. And that's that." Walt suddenly appeared and yelled, "Dharma Peanut Butter rocks!" Then he left because he had to go pee pee in the Dharma toilet. "Out of paper!" yelled Walt when he realized that the toilet was out of paper. Luckily, he found a list with the names of every member of the IPI, which happens to be one of the leading Dharma advisory councils. They are led by their great leader megalobrainiac, who's actually an Other in disguise. His real name happens to be Henry Gale Jr., who comes to visit every eighth day of each month. Sometimes on the 23rd or the 15th or the 4th or the 16th, but no other. Suddenly there was a vision materializing; Jay and Jack appeared and spoke, "Esolc era yeht, era srehto eht", "Yrgnuh ma I" , and finally "YaJ si eman ym." Then the munster was really confused and started crying. Locke went over to provide a karate chop to the munster's crotch. The munster countered with a spinning Chuck Norris-style roundhouse kick right in Locke's jacked-up leg. Locke screamed in pain, "I LOVE PINA COLADAS AND DHARMA RANCH DRESSING WHILE IT'S RAINING!" The munster stared and started laughing hysterically. It was the stupidest thing the munster had ever done. It's normally very, very, very, very calm and scary and very mysterious. It decided to turn around and go over to the Others' camp and eat them for breakfast while showing their memories to them. It was quite strange- Jack's still crying because of the things they saw; they reminded him of his childhood when the bully called Alvar Hanso would steal his Dharma Peanut Butter and eat it with a spork like pancakes with jellyfish syrup or moly green cheese with crumbs of contaminated goldfish crackers that love yoga early in the morning. Locke hobbled into the jungle and stumbled over the Flame hatch, bursting into flames.
He jumped around only to fall over a cliff and die. Not that far away, Charlie was busy reading the Nekronomokon- not understanding it, but still reading- and wet his Virgin Mary statue. The statue replied, "What in the land of Danishlandian name of Clarence heroin inside me?! Rather, toast seems to taste good, but not as yummy as heroin with Charlie water, but the plot thickens! thickens! Locke - alive?! It's Locke's ghost from that fall, or he's zombified and now goes "RRRRAAARRRRGH! I want to see more meatballs and spaghetti and more lost! I love knives!" That's exactly when 42 world leaders, including Danishland's President, Uzbekistan's president, The Great Islom Karimov , and Lower Lavtia's Ultra Powerful Leader, The Ultimate Warrior, all sat at the entrance of the building because nobody brought any extra purple illegal alcoholic beverages or the keys to the Pontiac boat that Igmar had brought with recycled gin bottles to take them to a bar and buy more gin, because they wanted to get very very drunk on recycled gin, which tastes pretty salty, surprisingly. Anyways, they got snockered and went to the clown college where they successfully captured four clowns and took them back to the bar to play the deranged panda flute, or maybe just sit back and play beer pong 'til Reagan came with his buddy and destroyed the beer keg, so Desmond flipped out and broke something.
And that something was the only face Jay had. Then desmond went to eat some boat rust. "WHOA!This tastes like Dharma fried octopus covered in ranch dressing and sweet 'n sour gourmet frog legs dipped in lard and deep fried in Charlie water and sprinkled with shredded cheddar cheese and a baseball hat!" exclaimed Desmond. Then Claire walked- no, Desmond walked- into a pile of strep germs. Desmond immediately ran into a rake and tripped onto a garden hose, getting his jumpsuit all wet and soggy, so he dried it in the Dharma dryer. The electromagnet suddenly sucked all the zippers off his jumpsuit and loosened his fililngs so his teeth looked like Locke's head and his pants were on fire from Eko's new Jesus Flamethrower. It comes complete with Jesus Grenades, Jesus Scope, and Jesus Dynamite. It's the ultimate destroyer of infidel robot haters that's available to buy! "I want one so I can kill loads of albino flying squirrels who gamble a lot! Gambling is bad! Please stop gambling or I shall sing like this: quit playing games right now or my unbearable voice shall keep singing Backstreet Boys songs forever!" yelled Mr. Mustardman; he was highly upset about the gambling squirrels and their stupid machine gun bunkers with Jesus Flamethrowers and smoke munsters that liked to tap dance uncontrollably while showing scenes from Lost episodes in Spanish backwards with muppets narrating a different show in pig Latin in a Burger King next to Dharma King, an Uzbekistanian take-out restaurant that hires koalas to attack people that play "Fire at Uzbekistan!"
The Uzbekistanians didn't appreciate player haters eating gangstas from ATL, so their crew armed themselves with glocks with hollows and shot themselves in the shoulder and bled out a glowing substance called "crunk juice". Then P. Diddy came to save the Latvian Republican army. They didn't appreciate his singing capacities and shot him thrice in the heart but he didn't die because his jewelry stopped the bullets. "BLING BLING OWNS YO' CAMOV!" That's exactly when cheese became elected Pope Limburger II, the first Danish pope from Danishland. "With my new power I shall lead my people into utter despair called Lower Latvia. There they will all go to work camps and play poker with quadrapoligic bald men that like to be called Rambo and spit at whoever walks limping by in a wheelchair and has big knuckles and toes with hair everywhere- everywhere, quite literally. I mean EVERYWHERE. We're talkin' wolverines! The anti-Jack! So much hair! Roadkill with Rogain! Chewbacca's winter coat! Bigfoot's hairier brotha! Zeke's fake beard! Desmond's shaggy mane multiplied by ten!"
Onto something completely without any hair but still just as scary: Locke ate Claire's bay-bay and got indigestion, so he went to Sawyer for some medicine, but Sawyer offered him a deal: Locke had to dress up like an Other and dance the funky chicken until Dharma employees went bald 'cause they saw him changing the dates of Dharma meetings, so obviously the mayonnaise tastes weird when one adds rusty nails and recycled gin, so we will catch all of the fish in the lake before they attack with Milk Duds and cheesecakes. CHEESECAKES! It's too late to help them because their brains have mutated into sheep's bladders that make them want to throw computers on bald people and at Austrailians, which is expensive because computers cost lots of money. So they jogged out of the supermarket to the Dhar-Mart and bought Dharma milk chocolate and Dharma flamethrowers complete with Dharma grenades and rockets! Especially Jesus Scope! Eventually they just bought everything there and started to build the ultimate anti-Lostie weapon called "THE MEGA-GIGANTIC REALLY BIG SUPER POWERFUL DEADLY HIGHLY DANGEROUS METAL SLIGHTLY PLASTIC ULTRA-STURDY BENDABLE... fortress." But then, meteors started to fall on the red-shirts and they ran to the bomb as quickly as Desmond running through the jungle towards the Swan hatch, where Locke was about to practice dancing to Geronimo Jackson wearing a Dharma Initiative suit with fuzzy slippers and a fake left arm and a glass eye. Eko was banging on the door because he wanted some sugar for his slurpee. Mommie said no more cheesecake as it contains high amounts of Charlie water and cheese so Eko cried.
Then Locke began to feel sorry for Mr. Eko, because mushrooms killed his mother's sister's grandmother's pet turtle Michaelangelo that had twenty cheesecakes for toes and a spikey, purple, glowing head with black eyes and a big furry unibrow, so Locke sent Eko a postcard from Lower Latvia reading, "The button is bad; really REALLY REALLLLLLLYYY BAD! Like, for real. But you already pushed it, doofus, and now it won't open Powerpoint, because the computer reeks of turnips, and Ctrl+Alt+Delete doesn't exist on apple farms due to extremely high prices." The island will walk 500 miles upshore to find the ocean; obviously it needs Apollo Bars to keep up its strength. Several years ago, it had plenty of mango-flavored pastries with orange glaze on top from Dunkin' Donuts to rich creamy Dharma Peanut Butter and egg cream with odd-colored marbles and checkers that had been painted by pygmies using melted skittles and tiny brushes.
So it then ate its own beach just to be different. Then Shinra appeared out of jail with injuries around his eye and nose because he tried to break out using his Ninja Turtle skills. But nothing worked for Mrs. Doubtfire, who helped him eat cheese hair made from goats and pure sand which was washed in Dharma bleach, better than Tide because it has nasty fruit scents and not fantastic Dharma poker sets which are neat and nearly indestructible. After the incident, which happened years and years and minutes ago, someone forgot to clean the cheese grater. "MY CHEESE IS DIRTY! DIRTY CHEESE WILL KILL EVERYBODY! SOMEONE CLEAN THE CAUSTIC KITCHEN UTENSIL BEFORE I LOSE CONTROL OF MY STUFFED RABBIT, FLUFFY, THE OTHER-DESTROYER AND CARROT-EATER OF THE WORLD OF DANISH DUDES AND FINLANDIAN FEMALES WHO SPEAK PERFECT ALGEBRA EQUATIONS IN HTML FORMAT WHEN FORCED TO DO BACKFLIPS ON KEYBOARDS AND SAY THE MAGIC WORD 'GOOGLE' AND DON'T EVER, EVER TRY TO OPEN THE SQUIRREL'S SUITCASE 'CAUSE THAT WILL LEAD TO ANOTHER INCIDENT ON ANOTHER ISLAND WITH ANOTHER PLANE CRASH THAT WILL CAUSE MASS HAPPINESS IN DHARMAVILLE, HOME OF THE OTHERS AND ZEKE'S BEARD FACTORY WITH MODIFIED ENHANCEMENTS TO THE HAIR OF MS. KLUGH THAT MAKES IT ABLE TO FIRE 500 BULLETS SIMULTANEOUSLY!" yelled the cheese who had just been eaten alive.
The cheese then arrived home to cook some cheese, which is cannibalism and very bad, at least to Cheese Equality activists, who fight the Swiss Rebels, who, in Lower Latvia, annihilated Uzbekistanian refugees. In the year 485162342 Jay won the award for "Most Un-Bald Person in the World and the Universe". Jack, however, won "Most Bald Person" by a landslide. They melted their fondue in large vats made of very strong plastic and rendered animal fat, a gross concoction to be sure. That's why the Jay Army is not too shabby, way better than no army at Jack's Army Camp. So Babe Ruth went all Rambo on those who dared to smite the great Redsox, who's not really, but he is!
Away from the Shinra clones who eat potatoes through giant needles that lead grotesquely into Jack's bald head, which can talk and said this, "It is good that you are bald because most Handsome Jacks wouldn't wouldn't be caught dead with Mrs. Doubtfire because she smells like musty year-old Dharma gin-flavored tacos that have little bunnies mixed with more cheese and a spicy orangutan sauce that tickles the throat and burns your glass eyeballs. The alien squirrel came to the island to find Locke because he wanted to throw knives at fat boars. But Locke was too stingy with his hair 'cause it smelled like burnt toast with nut clusters melting in the sands of time, causing serious damage to the continuum of both time and logs alike, without destroying his Mrs. Doubtfire life-sized statue, but it smashed. And then, suddenly, a squirrel monkey broke into song about Dharma crackers and gin-soaked theories on the smoke munster's attempts to blink people into their flashbacks and show them why Locke is so friggin' AWESOME! But one day Locke told Jack, "I am your greatest mortal enemy and also your bestest pal, buddy! So give me some Dharma cupcakes, or my bald head will flake!" Then the squirrel quickly fled into the underwater hatch in the sky with Icarus' wings. But the song sang, "HIT ME, SQUIRRELY, RIGHT NOW!" and let out an ape cry that awoke the dharma shark who WENT ALL COMMANDO! He ate Michael and Henry's eyeballs. Llewellyn was confused by benxtaron's brilliance because he always wanted a hamster. Baby hamsters were cuddly like razor-backed hogs with poisonous breath. Who attacked Michael. But Walt was already a clone attracted by Shannon to the Underworld of Pinochle Players with four toes and millions of demonic squirrel monkeys betting on meld and poker games. With their mangoes.
Jack and Sawyer crashed a car and ran over Zeke's box of cute furry bunnies, so cuddly and smelly that you want to throw one in a chew toy or vat of acid and/or a bag of your brother's dirty laundry that smells like Dharma peanut butter rotting with kitty urine and polar poo that Bernard had for breakfast. Rose just noticed what Bernard did and fell down 'cause of the leftover poo on Vincent the dog. Vincent then morphed into Bill Clinton, who slept with a female log-carrier whose name was Grismelda Vander Kloomp Weder Zender Hiemen from Hamburg, Germany, land of the 2006 World Cup and of Casper. German log farms are plentiful there as long as people are willing to shave their sideburns and practice Dolce and Gabbana runway model movies that could kill calories off Zeke's infested calorie system. Such are they things that they grate cheese over flaming chicken meatballs. Zeus smote Danishland with a loofa and they bathed in hydrochloric acid, but it burned throughout the Dharma Bathtub. Danish Charlie candy bars are mushy and sticky and taste like an iPod and cement.
Meanwhile, back in the Uzbekistanian Community of Lost, Rose was jumping on the hatch and started a screaming match with Charlie, but fell down to Hades, the god of the monkey world and Eastern Westland- the land of the lost. Dharma brand cookies fell from the sky and onto the lunch plate of Dharma ham sandwiches, which belongs to Zeke the friendly flying sea monkey, globally known for being able to quote William Shakespeare, and for his love of fake beards that happen to come into work late and annoy the sea otters in the swimming pool that belongs to Elton John's butler, whose name is Jack, as in Jack Butlerson II, the dog who had seven brains and ate computers for lunch and breakfast, dinner, and supper, and also ate clones with some ketchup and shared them with his girl, Rosemary Paulinaskova Narklesohn, that's the daughter of a she-wolf and Widmore's wife. OMG a polar bear wandered in the Others' tents without saying hello! He just screamed, "My gosh, Jack! What happened to your hair? It's gone pink with strands of fluffy Dharma unicorns!" Suddenly Eko screamed like a scaled mockingbird and shouted, "Hey! Jack's hair's pink! I want purple eyebrows and a moustache!"
